Who Am I 10/30/13

It's a good question, and one I'm not sure I have an answer to. I'm way too old to still be having these doubts.

I like when people still treat me like I'm young. I hate getting old. I'm almost thirty-one. Fuck. I never thought I'd live to be this old. I didn't think I was capable of getting this old. I really don't like it.

I'm white trash by birth. Fucked up by my adoptive family. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Is there really a "me" inside me? I wonder a lot whether I'm actually real at all. Maybe I'm invisible, or part of somebody else's dream. What happens when they wake up?

I crave love and affection, and yet I don't like people. I don't understand people. I get claustrophobic when I can't be alone. It feels like the walls are closing in, like I can't breathe or think. I need my quiet time and space. There's always that duality of push and pull inside me, and I can't find a happy medium.

I'm too young for a midlife crisis, too old to be an angry teenager. I'm not fit to be anyone's mother, and I don't have a career. I'm not really anything. If I didn't have a terrible credit score and piles of looming debt, I wouldn't have anything. I wouldn't be anything.

So where does that leave me?