I do not cry. For the longest time I thought I couldn't; I'd forgotten how. But I'm crying now. I'm listening to upbeat, modern swing music and I'm crying, and the juxtaposition is stupidly laughable.
I hate myself. I loathe myself. I'm ugly, and overweight, and I don't have the willpower to do anything about it. I've tried so many times and failed just as many. It's useless. I'm thirty - I'm way too fucking old to still be carrying around all this bullshit baggage from childhood, letting it cripple me, but I don't know how not to. I don't know how to fix myself. It's so ridiculous. I feel so stupid. My intelligence is always the thing I've set store in, the one good thing I've let myself believe I am, and even that's a lie. I get by. I manage. But there is so much I'm not any good at, even intellectually. If I ever took an intelligence test, I'm positive I'd test normal at best.
Speaking of tests, guess what? I took a psychpathy test here http://personality-testing.info/tests/LSRP.php and my "score for primary psychopathy was higher than 91.63% of people who have taken this test" and my "score for secondary psychopathy was higher than 49.13% of people who have taken this test." Just lovely. My score on the Rosenberg self-esteem scale is a whopping two. TWO. Anything lower than fifteen indicates low self-esteem.
I'm laughing now.
It's not kind laughter.
I hate my brother. I wrote about that already. I think siblings suck. I've been watching Hoarders and Intervention on TV (well, on Netflix. We don't have TV because we can't afford it) and these families, over and over they say, oh, my brother or sister's my best friend, blah blah blah. Siblings are awful. There's an angry, hurt, mean part of me that wants to say all my problems would disappear if I'd never had a brother. I would be happy. My dad would have had me, a strong daughter, to play the part of a son instead of the perpetual disappointment my brother is to him. My mother wouldn't have alienated me and my dad by living in a fantasy world where Nathan is perfect and can do no wrong and the rest of the world is conspiring against him.
That's the fantasy. In reality I'm logical and realistic enough to know that, while on the whole things might have been better without my brother, they wouldn't have been perfect. I'm fucked up on my own, regardless. I would have been better. But I wouldn't have been perfect.
But damn it, it's not fair. (And I hear David Bowie in my head now: "You say that so often. I wonder what your basis of comparison is?") If the Goblin King stole my baby brother away, I wouldn't have run the Labyrinth to get him back. Does that make me a terrible person? Probably. I don't care anymore. I don't want to bury the hatchet. I don't want to love him. I'd love to not carry him around on my back anymore, but not for his sake. For my own. He's heavy. I put a tattoo of a beautiful firebird on my back and named her Baggage. I thought if I made my own baggage, it would help symbolically somehow.
It didn't.
And I'm still a whiny little brat asking when I get to have a turn. When do I get a break? He got everything. All the love. All the support. All the help, emotionally, financially... They did everything for him and nothing for me. They got in my way over and over again, kicking me down while pushing him up, and it's not fair. He's abusive, but he's got a wife and is trying to have kids. Our parents did everything to keep me out of college, telling me it wasn't a good idea, not helping at all with money, housing, emotional support, but they did his homework for him. In college. I'm drowning in educational debt and he's got a wife taking care of him financially. I struggled for three years to get my master's degree, and he took even that distinction away from me, going through a "fast-track" online program when the school where "he'd" done his undergrad wouldn't accept him into their graduate program.
Just once, in some way other than growing old, I want to be first. I want to come out on top. I want a job I enjoy, that pays enough money that I can both pay my bills and eat. I want a healthy relationship with my partner, who I love beyond belief; I want to feel like we really are partners instead of me being a burden, a tumor she carries around. I want, if not my biological or adoptive family, a close circle of friends who I can think of as family. I want the option to have a child (ONE) if I want, instead of knowing it's a terrible idea on so many levels, and a luxury we monetarily can't afford.
I want to go on vacation.
I want to feel like my feet are on firm ground, even if I'm wading. I don't want to feel like I'm drowning anymore, every second or third wave sucking me under.
I want to be loved.
I want to feel worthy of being loved.
I don't know how to do that. And the Internet has failed me here; it hasn't given me any good answers.
I wasn't allowed to play video games as a kid, but even I know that the Konami Code is up up, down down, left right, left right, BA. The Konami Code for life is having good looks, money, and a likeable personality. I've got none of those things...so a cheat sheet would be nice. Or a manual?
Or even just a clue?
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