I haven't been dreaming much since I started the new medication (Effexor). It messes with my sleep in several ways, and this is one of them. Without it, I'd have the most vivid dreams, and I could remember several of them in a night, which I've heard is unusual. Anyway, I finally had one of those old vivid dreams again last night. This morning, actually, as it's noon-thirty now, and I'm in bed typing this, having just recently woken up.
The dream was really two dreams that, I suspect, flowed one into the other. In both, I could fly, which is something that tends to happen a lot in my dreams. In the first one, I was a sister-in-law to a wonderful young woman and aunt to a baby/toddler niece. But my brother in the dream wasn't my brother in RL--I loathe my RL (adoptive) brother. He's five years younger. This brother was older. He was big, kind of overweight, with big hands and darkish skin, black hair, and a happy, laughing demeanor. He was a lot like a guy I used to work with at summer camp, who I really liked a lot. I felt like this guy, when I worked with him, was like a buddy. A little bit older buddy, but a buddy nonetheless. Anyway, I loved this brother of mine, in the dream. I loved being part of his family. He was gone for a big part of the dream. I was able to fly. I was living in a bigger city than Portland, and I think it was meant to be Seattle, though I don't remember for sure. Definitely not New York or anything like that. Ew. Anyway, there was a fire, and because I could fly, I was going to help put it out. I can't remember exactly why that was helpful, other than I was faster than the other people who had to walk or drive. But in the dream, I was confident that it was. I had a female friend/significant other (I can't remember which; I think it might have been during that flirty transition time), and I gave her the ability to fly in order to help me help get the fire out. At first it was just a random fire, but then, as the dream shifted, it was a fire in the home my sister-in-law and niece had just moved out of the day before. My brother was out of the picture--whether serving in the military or just something else having to do with his job, I don't know, but he wasn't there.
I helped put the fire out, which was all done by laymen. The firefighters didn't show up until after the blaze was out, and then they came and started to ask questions of us. Not suspicious, just trying to figure out what had happened. Then came the transition between dreams, I think. The firefighters asked weird questions about why we'd want to live in that part of the city, and there was something about trains going by, but they were weird, hanging from tracks above rather than riding on them. I don't remember a lot more, but then came the second part, or second dream.
In this one, I could still fly. I think I still had a brother. I still had a sister-in-law and a baby niece, because I helped change a diaper, and they were chuckling because I didn't know how to do it right and kept asking questions before I'd do anything. Anyway, there were still trains. We were going on a trip. I had a significant other, and I'm pretty sure this time it was Christine, my RL partner of ten years. But she came and went, and wasn't central to the story. This time, my RL Aunt Gloria and her partner Lee were in my dream. We were all going somewhere, along with a group of other women, people who kept joining us as we went. It was like a quest, and someone was after us, and I was the leader. I had other magic besides just flying. The evil whatever-it-was that was after us, I wanted the other women to be careful but I wanted to shield them, too, so I looked out for all of them and I didn't tell them everything about what we were doing.
At one point, the quest solidified into getting to this specific place, I think my family's ancestral house, on a beach in the tropics somewhere. My aunts are honeymooning in Hawaii right now in RL, so I think that makes a certain amount of sense. We were all trying to get there, being chased, and in the confusion, I lost both my aunts. I flew off to get them. They were in separate places, and I think I rescued my Aunt Lee first, then Gloria. One of them was in a wheelchair, and I think it was Lee. Which neither of them is, in RL, right now, though they both have health problems. Who doesn't? Anyway, when I found one of them (I think it was Gloria, though I'm not sure it matters), she was crying and hysterical. I held her close and stroked her hair and murmured soothing things. And that's really, really weird to me. I'm not sure what it means. I desperately want a mother figure who can soothe my own inner child, the child who is stuck somewhere in my past, unable to move on, because she didn't get the nurturing she needed when she was that age for real. When I was that age for real. I thought maybe my Aunt Gloria could be that for me. She wants to be part of my life, or at least she's said so multiple times. I don't really have any other contenders. My birth mother is dead, and my adoptive mother won't admit that things went on in our house, growing up, that really shouldn't have, and that's become a big rift for us. I can't lean on her. Why I would be the one comforting my aunt, I really don't know.
In both dreams, I was charismatic. I attracted people. People liked me and wanted to be with me. This isn't so in RL, but I wish it was, so that makes sense in my dream. I think my dream also means, though, that I need people. Right now, I'm feeling...not lonely, exactly. Or maybe I do feel lonely. I'm not sure I even know anymore. But I'm feeling a deep desire to reach out to people. My biological siblings. My mom. I'm starting to grasp that, not only do I need people in my life, but I have them. Or, I could, if I reached out. I've been wanting friends but so afraid to reach out for them, terrified of strangers, but maybe I don't need to start with strangers. Maybe I can start in my own backyard, as it were. I'm going to try, and see what happens.
